New Start to Old Habits

This really is a crazy post. Why at every new year, we just talk of new things..!!? May be because human animal(as I would call it) is hopelessly optimistic in nature and always tries to find hope to carry on.. carry on..in this crazy world, where it is logical to end..still... human tries to find some way to just go on.. trying to be immortal if not physically then metaphysically...

what the hell...!! This is not what I had in mind, when I decided to write. The thought was to gather all thoughts about the past..present it now and find some way for future..makes sense..is it? naah.. it makes sense but isn't.... the fine print always says... the past performance is no guarantee for future outcomes.. and so it really means to all things...

Human does not want to realise that... Human yearns... yearns for everything.. love..happiness..money..fame..immortality...even one when says that everyone is mortal, one just wants to be remembered for being said that.. and so is the want of immortality.. either physically or metaphysically or ethereally or superconsciously or.. I do not know the exact words or words exactly describing the feeling.

Many aspirations.. many dreams... many desires.... eventually some are achieved..so materialised..some fulfilled and still some remain... 

Those remaining makes immortality and not the deeds... the wantonness is immortality.... the need for something more is immortal and this is not physical or metaphysical or ethereal or whatever... 

It is just wants....

Lets start something fresh.... FRESH and not NEW...fresh gives perspective a new identity.. 

this play with words.. is it not just trying to prove that I know more than YOU....huh..!!! what difference does that make....who is it going to read it anyway.. and what difference does it make, if one reads it or not... what difference does it make, if one understands or not, makes sense out of it or not...

Still something REMAINS... and still will always remain...

p.s. I had thought of writing something and wrote something entirely different.. then when have things worked out as exactly as we have thought...

Preparing food..

Ahh... there she was preparing dinner.. or rather just started preparing...

Standing in front of the stove...facing the window above the stove...the window is closed..as it might attract the flies n bugs its warm and dry outside... its hot inside but also bit humid... Cooker is about to whistle on one stove... the other heating the pan... the heat is palpable... cooker is hissing with steam adding more humidity. ... dough is being knead with bare hands... apron is avoided to make the heat bearable inside... just the dress  with the open neck...
The beads of perspiration have formed on the forehead... all around the face and the neck... the hair is bit dishevelled indicating the amount of time spent in front of stove... dough being knead and ocassionally the forearm swung to wipe the sweat on forehead...just spreading the sweat across the face..generating a infinitesimally small cooling effect but the perspiration building again... a small hint of familiarity behind the shoulder.... small napkin slowly collecting the beads of perspiration from the forehead...down to the cheeks and then to the neck... a cool feeling spreading across with comfort... a smile slowly appears... turning the face slowly.... in contact with the other eyes prying above the shoulders... the smile spreads... the face looks above in the eyes..moves ahead... instead of face...moves ahead towards the shirt on the breast.... slowly nudges...brushes the nose on the shirt wiping out the missed bead of sweat...
Both smile.... eyes smile... all is understood...with the world none wiser. ...

How I wish. ....how I wish.... this could have  been a familiar scene....
Just how I wish...how I wish...

Decision....

Some times or rather I always wonder, what are we up to.? What do we really want to achieve in life.. I have asked this question in so many ways and styles... but always reached to naught...
It dawns upon me that nothing matters in the end.. everyone and everything just vanishes. ... that why are we so eager to pretend to be doing something that matters....
So many decisions we make thinking lot of factors not realising these somehow do not matter in long term.. in this long journey. ..

Yes I agree this is a journey and what we are trying to do is give ourselves a reason to continue this journey though somewhere at subconscious level we are aware that end is inevitable.... and all this will not matter... still in this intervening period of two ends of journey we try to justify its existence... we try to console ourselves that what we do is good for someone if not for me.. this is good for our name not to perish.. this is good to do as the other thing is bad.. we justify our existence by saying we cannot distract ourselves from our targets... the targets which we have decided in this mortal world

What we try to do is disillusionment of our selves so that we do not leave this journey midway...

I realise that our basic objective is survival.. by whatever reason..whatever logic we want to survive....
We feel if we do not survive our race will perish. .it is encoded in our dna to ensure survival of our race.. and that can happen only by procreation....
So all our efforts are directly or indirectly linked to it.. at some level..somehow we convince ourselves that we need to leave behind a legacy..in whatever way..so the easiest way is procreate.. our urges are directed towards it always... though sometimes we get threatened by pain in ensuing this.. but eventually logic coded in our dna wins and we lose... we lose in the perception of our win...
We weave a story explaining all this.. we are afraid to face the truth so create a myth of purpose..higher goal... target..aim..larger purpose... and we endure that myth..

We ensure that no one thinks otherwise..its like the people in the story of naked king with apparently invisible clothes... no one wants to accept the truth.. so we ensure the survival of that perception...

Now comes the question.. what decision.. I know we are at the brink of big storm which will come and then give a enormous twist to our lives. .. question is what will we decide and will we abide by that decision.. will we be adults and take a decision...
Or will we be swayed by petty reasons and be cowards...

DECISION.. TO BE MADE OR NOT TO BE MADE...

Times...changed...or not...!?

Times changes so much... how much has changed since the first week of July 2011..? wouldn't have imagined such day would come, when I would be nostalgic for those days.. 

I have tried so much to adapt myself to these changing circumstances... alas.. never got attuned to it. Have I asked too much for myself? Do I yearn too much for myself?

Will I ever get a chance to redeem myself? No one should go through this? Where do I lie? what will be the outcome of the things going ahead? sometimes I wonder, how life would have been, if other decision would have taken? I do not have guts to go through this and did not have guts to go through that....? 

Sometimes, I feel, what happened was right.. not right for me, right for the other person.. Any one being with me will have to go through lot of pain. considering how weak I am, its important that same weakness does not have a legacy... (and yet I have the ambition of leaving behind a legacy... how ironical..!!??)

Sometimes, I wonder, have times really changed? or the time has changed and I have been static for long time... how dumb of me, always yearned for sweet feelings and then precisely rejected it. How would have other one felt? destroyed.. yes exactly destroyed would have been the reaction...

Guts to see other back on own feet.. facing the world... and where I am..? not able to face even simple things...can't fight emotions.. can't resist urges... that feeling of overwhelming..?

Sometimes, I wonder, what circumstances lead the other person to take such decision? What..!!

Times have changed.. isn't it? or No, they haven't.. just I forgot to move ahead...

Let me lie here.. let me lie here for a while... Let me lie here for a while in the expectation.. let me lie here for a while in the expectation that nothing's changed.. Let me lie here for a while in the expectation that nothing's changed and this is just dream about to end....

Let me lie here...

Love...

Love is always patient and kind; 

It is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited; 

It is never rude or selfish; 

It does not take offense, and is not resentful. 

Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; 

It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. 

Love does not come to an end...

Missing....A LOT...

Missing so much... and so many things.. how much materialistic can we be? only to a certain extent.. then we revert.. to being emotional... and then same emotions give you so much pain... 

Is it that we are sad and so we have so much pain or is it just that mental health is maintained by the same pain and we yearn for pain too.... So whats the truth? Pain or no pain...?

Or is it that we do not want to accept the fact we get bored being with only one emotion always and want a change every now and then.... or at least some times... and hence so want the pain too.. sadness too.. fear too and happiness too...relief too... 

Really difficult to get to some conclusion about this or do not have the strength of accepting the fact.. but then what is fact? is it what we think or make story of? or something that is real? then what is real? what we envision with our five known senses? and if so, are there anythings, which are beyond our senses? and if they are, how do we get to know those?

well someone says, try to earn higher consciousness and we get to know the other than five senses.... but then how do we know what we have earned is nothing but a mirage.. or truth.. and how come there is only sixth sense, there might be 10 more senses, if there is sixth...

well coming back.. really missing.. yearning... arching... aching.. just can't define the state.. its just mixture of all. One thing is for sure... this is not what I want....

Long Post....

There was a time, when all the events were being recalled, revisited everyday... the best way to help yourself was to so called "detoxify". In this case, it was "dememorise" and what when looked back after 6 months from last post...Its nothing, its the same story... nothing's dememorised. just what has happened is long break will lead to just long post..

would have been better, if the time span was reduced between two posts.. now its just too much to write in one post.. 

So long being so enchanted that disenchanting process just does not work.. the question remains.. what about future? is it going to be this way? or is there something better in expected?

But then,, whatever is better in definition may not mean good or better in other's terms?

When I look to the future, I see more happiness and more pain.. happiness that things are getting better for someone and more pain that this could have been together with me...

Anyways, one cannot change some things.. one has to strive to make things better for other...

yes, memories remain, they hit back every day, they water it every day, they cause pain everyday.. so what... this is what was chosen.. chosen with the knowledge that this pain will remain forever.. irrespective of what to be done..

People say.. everyone has to move on.. come on.. Everybody is not everybody, everybody is unique and will remain to have their own ways, preferences, etc..

sometimes, i just read the things that I have written and try to reminisce the situation and then really feel, nothings changed.. its the same old way.. just packaged differently..

No.. lets wait.. lets not have that long post... will revisit the post again...